Have you ever considered yourself to be an island? I know this is a foreign concept, but you are but one person in a sea of many. I have this vision of where I am at today, I am sitting on an island, I can see the opposing shore on the other side, but I have never been able to get across. The swell of the tide, circles around my feet and I can sense the soothing water and the sand between my toes, the distance between me and where I want to go...seems insurmountable. The water has always been shark infested and treacherous, yet I always wonder what its like to be on the other shore. Now I take myself where I am today, use to being on the island alone, use to sticking my toes in the water to test it out, always to find it is too treacherous to move forward and I ask myself am I willing to take the risk, or should I wait. It’s as though the water has somewhat calmed itself, however I still am unsure if I can cross that barrier that I have known and become used too. I guess for fear that I will perish in the process. Time and time again I have made the journey only to be tossed about and thrown back on my island, feeling the pain and agony of defeat, or failure. It's intrinsically a fear that continues to grow as I begin to long for the other shore again.
I can't say that I am ready to make the leap of faith, which is the part I struggle with. I guess for me the fact that it has only caused me pain trying before, leaves me questioning is it worth it? Will it make me feel worse afterwards than I already feel at times, or will it leave me not wanting to ever leave my island?
It's like Pavlov's theory, you become conditioned to see the world one way, which causes you much consideration before you are willing to try it a different way. Trying to do the same thing over and over again with the same results is insanity, but what if you do it differently? Will it change the outcome and when will you know when the right time is, or isn't? What if your timetable is different than the other shore? Sort of like being in a different time zone? Will it affect the outcome?
Does anyone really know the meaning of happiness?? Is there a level at which we achieve it, or is it a constant state of mind for some?? I think I am happy, life is good, but yet at times I feel like something left a hole in my life, that something is missing. I think there is a point when you have to ask yourself what you will be willing to settle for, versus, what you will always require. I have been contemplating life allot lately....For me happiness is like creating an alternate universe, one that you feel capable of doing anything you set your mind to.
On a good day... I visualize in my head this amazing place... its beautiful and green and the flowers are all in bloom, its as if I have stepped into a painting by Monet, with little dots of color splashing across the sky, creating a picturesque landscape...its a quiet place where only the rolling water in the brook can be heard... its one where I can sit and remember all of the incredible things that happened, forgetting all of the tragic events that have transpired... I visit this place and hope.... it's not really a place on a map... but rather the idealism of what I would like life to be. It's my scene out of "What Dreams May Come"; it's my heaven on earth and one that I know that I have experienced at least once... and hope that someday I will experience it again.
I am very proud of the road I am on, but yet at times I long for the path not taken, the one that I thought was the path to a life of happiness and fulfilled dreams, where the smell of the flowers is so breathtaking, it would entrance you with its scent...its the scent that catches you off guard and catapults you back in time to a moment, or place that meant something important to you... the one so captivating that even if you never set eyes on it, or inhaled its aroma that you would carry it with you forever as a moment in time never to be forgotten.