Have you ever met someone who changed the way you looked at the world? For as long as I can remember I have always kept people at a distance, like they were always on the edge of my peripheral vision, but never truly in my line of sight. Suddenly life seems different, I imagine it would be like to see for the first time, the brightness and clarity of the blue sky against the burning orange heat permeating of the sun, like the warmth on your face on a beautiful spring day. I take full responsibility for this failing. My choices in life only perpetuated the belief that people could not be trusted, time and time again, I continued to choose people to be in my life that either did not care what I was thinking; feeling; or wanted in my life, or were so self absorbed they just didn’t think to ask. As with anything, adulthood brought a series of disappointments, failed relationships, personal hardships, broken friendships, betrayals, which only exaggerate the lie…people can’t be trusted. My inability to allow anyone to be “trust worthy”, or share any part of myself, which I deemed past the surface, was inexplicable. It became daunting to keep everyone at bay and I carried an underlying fear that someone would see in my eyes the secrets that I was too afraid to give away.
I’m not going to say there haven’t been people in my life that I have trusted with pieces of me, there was my first love at age 13, there
are best friend from high school and college, but even they didn’t get all of me, only what I chose to share. We’ve all have people who have come and gone in our lives, they teach you something new, or make you see yourself in a different light, but none made me feel it
was okay to be me, until now. It has always felt like walking through a damp wood alone on a lonely path with no one to share the journey. I’ve never been able to explain how this feeling feels, but to me it’s always felt like being on an island… at times I have stuck my toes in the water, but I have always ended up back on the shore. Sometimes my heart was bruised from trying, sometimes felt defeated from failing. I’ve never let anyone be in a position to truly hurt me, there have been a few that were close, but never close enough to be able to do that… For the first time in my life, I have met someone who has brought me to full attention; they challenge me to be the
person I am meant to be in every sense of the word. They take notice of the moments in my life when I am challenged by my family, or work, or just life, they see me, the real me… even when I am trying my hardest to hide who I am. I have spent my life in the company of those with failings, most people think I’m unaware of the depths of other people’s failings, but in all honesty I just chose to overlook it, for the first time someone understands this part of me, that is truly the core of my being. They see the world the way I do; realizing
that when I hang on too long it’s not because I am afraid to let go, it’s because I need to be comfortable with the ending. It’s as if they can see into my soul and see the real me and that my choices and view of the world is normal. They encourage me to think and share my feelings about everything, politics, religion, life, happiness, friendships, kids and well my hopes and dreams for the future. They accept who I am when no one is looking, my messy hair, yard working grimy opinionated self, more so than any one person in my entire life. Instead of feeling like an alien on a foreign planet with this person, I realized who I am doesn’t have to be hidden. They have brought me to my own attention and set me free from holding back in every aspect of my life. When I am hurt, upset or quiet, they see it and ask the hard questions to get to the root of the problem. They support me, help me and well for the first time in my life I can be completely free to be me and that is what they love most about me.
The crazy thing is that in return, I have someone who is the epitome of a chivalrous man who always takes care of those they love. He is a little impatient and wants a person to be accountable for their actions, which makes him all the more honorable in my eyes. The only person I know that even comes close to me idolizing is my father and even then he is a close second.
No one knows where this life will take us; I never thought I would be where I am today. Fully engaged and alive with someone who sees me in all my failings and humanity and loves me in spite of it all… and in return I see them for all of the amazing things that
others have failed to see. When in doubt... I read this and it reminds me, that being "ME" is what was intended...
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”